Not sure of a title yet...work in progress

     The smell of the ocean was intoxicating.  I can't remember a time where I felt happier.  Standing on the bow of the ship, I held the rails while feeling the gentle waves rock me into a trance. I closed my eyes and leaned back on his strong yet comforting chest.  He wrapped his strong arms around my waist and put his head on top of mine.  I opened my eyes and could see the deep red and purple sun being swallowed by the distant waters.  I never knew I could ever feel this way.  There were so many emotions coursing through my veins, I was not sure if this was even real.  I wanted to stay like this for the rest of my life, but I knew it had to end.  He was just 17 and I was leaving tomorrow.  I was leaving for the rest of my life, never to come back.  Never to come back to a past that I wanted to leave out in the ocean to drift as far from my mind as possible. Too many memories, memories that that hurt me to the very core of my being.  For now, though, he and I are the only two people on the entire planet as long as we are on this ship.  He took his hand and brushed my soft dirty blonde hair away from my cheek with the back of his hand and tenderly kissed my cheek.  I loved Michael so much it hurt.  Every time he touched me I felt weak.  When he looked into my eyes I felt as if he could see through to the deepest part of my soul.  He knew me better than anyone, and he is the only one I ever let through my defenses.  I was completely vulnerable and open when I was with him.  It is going to rip my soul in two when I tell him I have to leave.  I don't want to go.  I want to stay with him for the rest of my life, but I have no choice.  I slowly turn around and gaze into his beautiful, loving brown eyes.  I rest my palms on his chest and he stares down at me with this sexy yet quirky grin he always give me when he knows I am about to say something.  I can't tell him now...I just can't.  I will just drink up the moment and see where it takes us.  He took my face in his hands, slowly bent down, and his soft lips brushed against mine then he pulled away, ever so slightly.  I leaned up, to feel his kiss that is so full of emotion and passion, and he just brushed his lips against mine again and continued to tease me.  He stopped, looked at me with that grin, took my hand and led me to a secluded part of the deck...away from all the passengers and the noise that I was now noticing, away from it all.  This is what I had been waiting for, to be alone with him.  We had made love numerous times before this cruise, but this time was different.  I knew what it meant to me, to us, because this time would be the last.  A tear began to roll down my cheek.  He noticed and stopped.  He didn't even say one word, he just brushed the tear away and gave me a look to let me know everything was going to be okay, that he would not let anyone or anything hurt me.  While inside, I knew it was going to be the other way around.  I was going to hurt him and he didn't even know it was coming.

Always Second

Always second
Sitting, waiting, expecting, anticipating, hoping, longing, desiring
Always second
Wanting, needing, urning, burning in my heart, crying
Always second
Noticed yet unnoticed, important but unimportant, needed but not needed
Always second
Not sure how to change it, have been trying to but have unsucceded
Always second
Wondering, waiting, trying to hard, not trying enough
Always second
Hoping, filled with doubt, feeling the urgancy, desire burning deeper
Always second
Being selfish, wanting to feel the excitement, passion
Always second
What do others have to offer what am I not offering, doubting, lonliness
Always second
Music, job, kids, life, family, video games, hobbies
Always second
Hopelessly seeking approval, trying to be noticed, endless race to push through the curtain of his soul
Always second
Remembering the past, the fire in his eyes, the passion in his soul, the tenderness of his touch
I was first
The longing to see me, to feel me, the smile, the hello
I was first
The excitement, the anticipation, the long conversations, no distractions
I was first
The beginning, the babies, the job, life, family, video games, hobbies, music
I was first
Always noticed, no waiting, always important, no wondering
I WAS first
As time has slipped by, age has settled in, knowing I will always be there
I am no longer first
Always second

The War Within

As I sit here, hoping to have mindless bliss, there is a never-ending war waging within. 
I am constantly attacked by thoughts, feelings, emotions, and waves of overwhelming conditions that need to be met.
I feel the inner me wanting...needing to scream, explode, and so desperately wanting to find a way to retreat.
The enemy of my desires are trying to overtake me,
They want me to relent, to give in.
If I just close my eyes will I be able to just let go?
Will I be able to guiltlessly give in?
No, I must fight!
I must fight through the overcrowded enemy lines of desire, hate, passion, love, depression, addictions, irritations, imperfections, duties, missions, urges to control, and the endless swirling mass of responsibilities.
Wait...
Wait...
Wait...I am tired, my body feels as though I have battled a thousand wars, I am weary, I need rest
Wait...
I am seeing a mist of light through the black and gray that consumes my mind and soul
Why can I not defeat the battles within?
I am tirelessly seeking for the general who can guarantee me victory.
I can not find one within...because there is not one
Wait...
The mist of light is blooming.
I feel something I have never felt before.
Within I am being lifted away from the enemy and can see the battlefield more clearly.
Each war is sectioned off, there is no more overcrowding.
Each enemy is getting smaller and a new figure begins to appear out of the clouds of black, gray, and red.
This new general is giving off a feeling of such relief, such healing, and such control
How can this be?
As He battles on, I am surrounded with light, love, joy, and a feeling that is beyond human comprehension.
I can still feel all of my desires, my passions, but no more do I have to fight this war alone.
The war wages on within, but I am not alone...
Never alone
It is now His war to fight
I will be alone no more...
Never Alone