The Unconscious Journey
The smell of the room was nauseating. It felt like I was outside of my body, floating around and watching everything happen in slow motion. As I sat on the edge of the table, my mind went blank. Had this really happened? I felt nothing. I was totally and completely numb. I heard the door knob turn slowly. A woman in hospital scrubs came into the room. She was accompanied by another woman in a police officers uniform. The woman with the hospital scrubs began to speak to me, but I didn't really hear what she was saying. Her voice sounded muffled. When I didn't answer her, (I knew she asked a question by her body language and facial expressions), it was like she knew I couldn't speak.
She moved toward me and lightly touched my shoulder, gently pressing on it for me to lie down. Both of the women had a look of such sorrow and empathy. I knew what they expected of me. I placed my feet into the cold, metal, outstretched arms at the end of the table. I knew the woman in hospital scrubs was getting samples from me because she kept placing large cotton swabs into a tube and laying it on a tray. I could not feel anything…no pain…nothing at all. As I lay there, all I could do was stare at the small, brownish green circle of a ceiling panel that had been violated by some kind of liquid. Violated…Violated…Violated. That was the only word that filled my mind.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, the woman in the hospital scrubs took my feet out of the metal arms and helped me sit up. As I started to ease myself off of the papered table, she held up a finger, motioning me to wait. The police officer left the room and came back in with a large camera. With a empathetic look, she said "sorry" to me. I didn't hear her, but I knew what she said. The woman in the hospital scrubs removed my gown. When she did, both women looked at me with such horror, such pity. The officer started taking photos of my naked body. Click, Flash…Click, Flash…Click, Flash. Every flash the camera let off, a different image flooded my mind. The images didn't go together like frames of a movie. They were jumbled, out of order, and in incomplete pieces…a man's face…a wall…a clock…a pair of cowboy boots.
The officer handed me a pair of navy blue sweats. My mind was beginning to un-fog. She told me to put them on because she had to keep my clothes for evidence. She told me to let her know when I was dressed so she could come in and talk to me for a while. As I was putting on the sweats, I turned and saw a person in the mirror that was on the wall next to the sink. A person I could not recognize. I raised my hand and slowly, timidly, touched the image in the mirror. Just as slowly, I took my hand off of the image and placed it on my face. I stood there in complete shock and horror. That was me in the mirror. I looked down at my body. I touched the places that were sewn together like a rag doll that had been torn apart by the family dog. I moved to the places that were bandaged. The dressings were stained with crimson red. Then, I slowly moved to the places that were discolored with an almost black tint. They felt hot, like your skin does after you get a sunburn, and I could feel the liquid building up inside them. I had to get dressed. I had to cover my exposed body. I just couldn't handle seeing myself anymore. I couldn't handle it anymore, emotionally or physically. The pain was starting to register in my brain. It was hard to breathe, hard to move, and hard to think.
The officer knocked on the wooden door and asked if she could come in. I told her it was ok in a very shaky, scared, quiet voice. She opened the door and closed it behind her. She sat in the chair that was up against the wall. She started asking me questions. All I could do was remember the jumbled, out of order, incomplete flashes of images. The last thing I remember was her saying the word "violated", then my world went black…and silent.
I had no idea where I was. I was no longer in the emergency room. I had to squint my eyes because the light was so incredibly bright. There was a kind of warmth that radiated from it, but it was unlike any thing I had ever felt. Every inch of my body, inside and out, was filled with a comforting and unexplainable wave of warmth. It was kind of like being submerged in a pool of water. The temperature was specifically calibrated for the exact temperature my body desires, seeping through my pores to equally comfort and warm my insides. It took me several minutes for my eyes and body to adjust to my new surroundings. I reached up to take my glasses off so I could rub my eyes. They were a bit sensitive and watery from the light that was beaming onto my body. There were no glasses on my face. How could this be? I can see perfectly without any aid from modern technology. This was getting a little weird…what do I mean ’getting’? This IS weird, but surprisingly I was unafraid.
I began to survey all of my surroundings and use all my senses to ascertain where I was and what was happening to me. I started with my body. I felt my face and hair. My face felt very smooth. There was not a wrinkle or blemish to be felt. Its texture was as soft as a baby rabbit’s fur. My hair felt like finely woven silk without a single tangle or knot to be found. My hands felt exactly like the skin on my face; smooth, without wrinkles, and most importantly there was absolutely no pain or stiffness. I can’t remember the last time I felt no pain in the joints or no swelling in the tissues of my hands. I continued my survey. I was clothed in what seemed to be a dense fog. It was almost as if I were wearing a dress made of clouds. When I moved my arms and legs or twisted at the waist, the ‘fog’ followed my every move. My feet were naked. I did not have on socks or any covering what so ever, which is strange in and of its self. I am never without something on my feet such as socks, slippers, or shoes. I can’t stand to have what ever ground I am standing on touching my feet. I noticed that my feet felt the same as my hands, no swelling or pain. Actually, my entire body felt no pain what so ever. I felt…fantastic! I must be dreaming or…dead. I moved my thoughts away from my physical being and began to study my surroundings. I was standing on some sort of cobblestone road. The stones were as smooth as glass and every one was exactly the same size and color…gold. Surprisingly, the road was neither hot or cold. It was the same temperature as the blanket of warmth that surrounded my entire being. There seemed to be a ‘drop off’ on the left and right side of the road. I peeked over the edge of the road but could not see any sign of an ending or bottom. Again, I was not afraid. I turned around to see what was behind me. Nothing. There was nothing but a solid wall of fog. I slowly put my hand against the fog to see if I could penetrate it. It was useless. This was very puzzling to me. It was fog so my hand should have been able to pass through it with ease. To my astonishment, it was as solid as a brick wall. I turned around to face the front of me. There was another wall of fog. I began to get nervous. Was I stuck in this very spot for all eternity? I reached out for the wall in front of me expecting to feel exactly what I felt behind me. Another surprise awaited me. My hand passed through it as smooth as a knife slicing through butter. I turned my attention to my olfactory senses. I closed my eyes and took a few short breaths through my nose. I smelt nothing. Literally nothing. There was no smell of air pollutants, dust, chemicals, food, or any other odor you usually smell during every day occurrences. The air was so incredibly clean. I opened my eyes and realized I was feeling an urge, an urge to walk forward into the misty unknown.
This urge was so strong. It took over every feeling, every want, and every desire. I had to know what was waiting for me out there. I knew, by instinct I suppose, that there was someone or something waiting for me…calling for me…summoning me. I took a step forward. Then another. With each step the force that was pulling me became stronger and made me feel like I had to get to where the supernatural force was in a hurry. I picked up the pace and began to jog. Another strange feeling came over me. As I was jogging, I never got winded or tired. I just felt a sense of excitement and anticipation, just as a child does while waiting for Santa Clause to come on Christmas Eve. I also noticed that with every step the fog moved with me keeping me contained in a box like area. My surroundings never looked as if they were changing. It was just me, the golden cobblestone road beneath my feet, and the walls of fog on every side. I had a million one questions running through my head as I jogged. Questions like “Am I dead?”, “Is this Heaven?”, “Am I alone?”. Suddenly, I came to a screeching halt, not because I was about to run into something, but it was a overwhelming feeling that I needed to stop exactly where I was. I asked myself, “why do I need to stop right here?”. My answer became very clear.
A figure parted the fog in front of me and slowly glided towards me. It stopped just a couple of feet from me. I couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman, adult or child, human or beast. It had no real shape at all. It had the consistency of very thick fog and it had a brilliant yellow light around it like an aura. There was a sense of peace, contentment, and an overabundance of love emitting from it. Instantly, I fell down on my knees and bowed my head down to the road. I was very still and silent. I instantly felt such love, respect, honor, and devotion for this being. I now knew who this figure was. It was the Great I Am…it was the one true God.
God lifted me to my feet (how I am not sure because I didn’t see any arms or hands, but I wasn’t about to ask questions at this point). As God began to speak, I recognized His voice. I had heard it a million times in my head when I would pray or when I was about to do something I shouldn’t. God said, “You are not now, never have been, and never will be alone”. He just answered one of the questions I was asking myself while I was jogging. I just stood there in such awe. I was thinking that there are so many questions I needed to ask Him, questions about my past, my present, the world, creation, events, even questions about the future. He spoke again. “Come, walk with me. I know you have an endless array of questions you want to ask me. I will answer the most important and pertinent ones, so come…let’s walk”.
We began our journey into the unknown. After careful deliberation I asked Him, “Am I dead”?
“No you are not.” He said.
“Why am I here then if I am not dead? I thought the only way to see you is if your dead.” I asked feeling a little uneasy because this was all way too surreal. Then I asked, “Are you really God? Or are you the Devil pretending to be Him?” unsure if I really wanted the answer. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was the real thing, but I had to be sure.
“You are wise to ask me such a question. The Devil can come in many forms, but I know you already know the answer. I will reassure you, yes I am the Great I Am. As for your other questions, most of the time people can only see me if they are deceased. When you die, your soul recognizes Me if and only if you have accepted the gift of Salvation. If you have not, you would not be here right now. I do, upon special circumstances, choose to appear before certain people because I have a message to give them. A message they will only understand if they are in my presence. This is why you are here. I need to give you a message.” He said with such love and a fatherly tone in His voice. Right then, I began to gain clarity and my feelings of confusion and uneasiness rushed over me. I still was not sure what message He had for me, but I knew I needed to be here with Him at this specific moment in time. All the trivial little questions I needed to ask were now not important. I had very specific questions that I knew needed to be asked.
I remembered, in great detail, what had happened to me. I remembered every punch, every violation that I experienced, all the fear and anger that came with my brutal assault. Even though I remembered, I was not in pain nor did I have all the feelings that came with the attack. It was as if I was watching a show on T.V. and I was the victim. We had both been silent for what seemed hours, then I spoke up. “Lord, why did you allow that man to brutalize and rape me? I know you say that everything has a purpose, but why this…why me?” I asked. I did not cry or feel any resentment or anger. I just simply asked a question in a child like way; plain, simple and to the point. I thought to myself, ‘I hope I am not being rude or disrespectful, I just want answers to these burning questions’.
“You are not being rude or disrespectful, and you have every right to ask me these questions,” He said with a fatherly tone. “Your attack, as violent and unfair as it may seem, was necessary for you. You are going to serve a great purpose for Me and My Kingdom. The world has become a place where compassion, love, understanding, and passion has been snuffed out like a flame on a candle’s wick. The people that have experienced hardship, violence, hate, depression, loneliness, or who don’t have a voice need someone to speak for them and let them know that they are not alone. They need someone with passion that can say ’I truly understand’. They need you, Kay”. He paused for a few moments to let what He had just said register in my mind. I was beginning to understand where He was going with this, but it seemed that there was more, much more, to this story. I remained silent so He could finish His story, His explanation about the mission He was wanting me to carry out. “You are going to be the voice for those that do not have one, or for those who are too afraid to use their own. Kay, your experience will pave the way for all the men and women who are survivors of violent acts. They will listen to you, trust you, and be comforted in the fact that you have been through the same experience and not only survived it but are using it to help others. They will see that I can heal all wounds and be a source of comfort even in the most evil of times and during the most evil of acts. My light will shine through you and you will speak my words. They will see healing and hope within you. I chose you because you have a passion burning deep inside you that longs to escape, to escape and bring light to this world during its darkest of times. You are also going to bring a child into this world. A child that was conceived through violence and hate, but will be a beacon of hope and love. This child will allow other survivors see that a child, who is a product of rape, is not bad or evil. This child is also not a constant reminder of their attack; instead, the child is a reminder of all that is good and innocent in the world. Your child will do great things and help many people. I never allow a child to be conceived unless he or she has a purpose. I know every soul, every being, before they are created and nothing I create is a mistake. Not only will you be the voice of the survivors, you will be a voice for those who have not had a chance to have one…a voice for the unborn. Some of these survivors will listen to you and you alone. No one can reach into the depths of their pain and suffering except you. This is why you were conceived. This is your purpose. This is your mission. Raise your child according to My ways and laws. Remember, Kay, you are never alone. I want you to go now and remember all that I have said. You are a light in the midst of the darkness, my child”. He became silent as if waiting for me to respond to what He had just told me. There was no need to respond, I understood everything. My present and my future was abundantly clear. I had no fear, no anxiety, no questions, no uneasiness. All I had was hope, love, understanding, and peace.
His presence became faint and He disappeared into the mist. I was once again standing on the golden road alone. In an instant I felt as if I was falling, falling down into the misty void. I could hear the sounds of machines beeping and alarms sounding off. I tried to open my eyes, but there was a bright white light. Not the kind of light I saw and felt when I was with Him. It was a piercing light. I felt very cold. My head was spinning. I then knew where I was. I was back in the emergency room. Back to life. Back to my reality. I longed to be back up in the mist. I longed to be with Him, but I knew I had a purpose now. I had a mission.
“I think she is coming around, Dr. Upshire,” a lady said with a sigh of relief in her voice.
“Move out of the way! I need to examine her,” a man’s voice boomed. I assumed it was the Dr. Upshire the woman had spoken to.
“Kay? Kay? Can you hear me? This is Dr. Upshire. You are in the emergency room at Bearoff County Hospital. Open your eyes, Kay. There we go, now squeeze my hand if you can hear me,” the Dr. said.
I could now see him. He was an older man. His hair was graying around the sides. He had wrinkles all along his forehead. He had very broad shoulders resembling those of a power lifter. He had such a kind look about him, very fatherly like. I squeezed his hand. His hand was uncharacteristically soft and very large. I tried to speak but nothing was coming out. I felt as if my throat was closed off. I began to feel fear and panic washing over me.
“Don’t try to speak. We had to put a tube down your throat to help you breathe. You have been unconscious for about 15 minutes.” he explained. “Help me get this tube out, I think she is capable of breathing on her own now,” he asked the nurse that was standing behind him. “Now, when I say so, give me a big cough. I am sure you are not enjoying this tube so let’s get it out,” he said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “One, two, three…now cough,” he ordered. I coughed as hard as I could. It felt as if the tube was 100 feet long. I was almost beginning to think that the tube had no end. I just kept coughing. Finally, my throat was set free. I could breathe and it felt so good.
“Do you remember what happened to you, Miss. Cole? If you don‘t want to talk right now, I understand.” the nurse asked me as if hoping I had no recollection of the days’ events.
“Yes, I remember. I remember it all.” I said.
“There is a police woman waiting outside who wants to talk to you. If you are not up to it, I will send her on her way. I understand you have been through a horrible ordeal, so if you don’t want to talk right now it is ok,” the nurse said with such compassion.
“Thank you, but I want to talk to her. I want who ever did this to be caught so he can’t hurt anyone else. No one deserves this, no one,” I said with such determination that she didn’t ask me again.
“Ok, but before she comes in I need to give you some medicine.” she said as she turned to get a tray full of little paper cups.
“What is this medicine for?” I asked, even thought I was pretty sure of the answers she was about to give me.
“Well,” she paused for a second “there are antibiotics to cover a whole slew of things and a pill to prevent pregnancy…” I cut her off in mid-sentence.
“I do not want a pill to prevent pregnancy. I know I am pregnant by the man who raped me. I want this baby. So, no pill.” I said with much determination.
“Honey, you don’t understand. Raising a child that was conceived in this way will be a constant reminder of your attack. You will end up resenting the baby. I have seen it one too many times. It is better for you to just take the pill. It will help you to forget,” she said. I know her intentions were good, but I was not taking that pill.
“I am not everyone, I am me and I know this child has a purpose. While I was unconscious, I met God. He said that this child and I have a purpose. The journey I took was wondrous. Everything became so clear. So, I am not taking that pill,” I explained.
The nurse had a very confused look on her face. She opened her mouth to speak then immediately closed it. “I know it is strange, but I think I actually believe that you went on a “journey”. I hear and see a lot of crazy things in my line of work, but you are so calm. Your entire demeanor has changed from what it was when you first arrived. It must have been some journey! Take these other pills and I will go get the officer to take your statement,” she said with a bewildered look as she hurried out the door.
The officer came in a few moments later. “Would you like to make a statement? Anything you can remember, anything at all, will be helpful. Just relax, close your eyes, and start from the beginning.” the officer said with such compassion. “How are you feeling, are you okay to do this?” she asked.
I said, before I went into the whole account of my attack, “I feel violated, and dirty, but not ashamed. I feel…hope.”
